It’s late. I’m tired. But not tired enough to sleep.
Early start tomorrow, and I’m not sleepy. Why does it ALWAYS happen when I have to get up early? It’s amazing.
Normally, I’d be visiting a few websites and watching a few videos, but tonight I don’t feel like it.
If not videos, I’d be looking up pictures. Pictures are all well and good, and some are quite beautiful. But each shot only occupies a few minutes at most.
Could be reading, but I’m not sure I’m in the reading mood.
So, in the interest of being productive, I thought I’d do something constructive and write a blog.
Not a fancy one, but just something to keep me distracted for long enough until I start dreaming.
Why do I need distractions? ‘Cuz I can’t trust my heart. It leads me into all sorts of trouble.
Besides, I need to write more on here anyway. Feel like I’m wasting all this space if I don’t put out a blog every so often. Also, it’s a pretty good outlet for my thoughts. Huzzah for an electronic journal!
I don’t really care if anyone reads these things. But for those that do, I hope I’m able to help in at least some small way.
Because I DO care about people. Sometimes, it almost feels like I care too much. I drive myself crazy trying to fix everyone’s problems and make everyone feel better, but it’s not always the best thing to obsess over. Yes, I said “obsess.”
Not that I obsess over any one particular person. No, I haven’t done that in a while, and it didn’t turn out all that well.
No, I obsess over being the salve on people’s wounds. I obsess over being people’s crying shoulder. I obsess so much over others’ needs that I sometimes neglect my own.
It’s crazy. But it’s just the type of person I am.
I’d give the shirt off my back and every cent in my wallet to someone to help them out. And what do I get for it? Nothing. Well, not usually.
But, I don’t ask for anything in return. I don’t want anything in return. I’m happier when I’m helping others than I am when I help myself or when others help me. Sometimes, they take advantage of my kindness, but I bounce back and offer to help them again. Does that make me sick? Insane?
People come and people go, but I don’t seem to be moving much.
Am I letting life pass me by? Am I just being lazy?
Am I using my talents and abilities to their fullest extent, or am I wasting my potential?
I don’t know. I don’t really know anything. I don’t have a plan. I don’t have a goal.
As a result, I find myself wasting my days away just sitting in my little bubble.
And I’m content. At least, for the first few hours.
After that, I start looking for other “distractions.” I play another video game. I listen to another song. I look up another article.
Yet, I never seem to look where all the answers lie. I never seem to approach the streams of living water.
I say I care about Him. But my actions don’t show it.
I say I love Him. Mostly to everyone else. Rarely do I ever say it to His face.
I say I want His destiny for my life. Yet, I don’t seek it. I don’t pursue Him.
I just go to the next activity.
I just play the next song in church.
I just lead the next lesson in youth group.
I just….float. Float by.
I guess I just expect things to work out without taking any sort of definitive action.
Sometimes, it’s enough. Most of the time, I miss the whole point of a certain event.
I can’t keep living this way. I have to do something.
Maybe not something earth-shatteringly (Is that even a word?) huge, but at least a small something to get me moving in the right direction.
What will it look like? God knows.
I’ve just gotta move on.
Ah, but I think I’ve ranted long enough. Maybe I’ll be able to get some rest now.
If You’ll have me, You can use me however you want.