The deep inner workings of a beggar's mind

My Life Lately

It’s been a long time since I’ve written on here, so I figure it’s about time for another entry. The Lord’s done some interesting things in my life lately. I’ve met several people I’ve connected with deeply after knowing them for just a short time, my sphere of influence has shifted somewhat, the war for my soul is reaching a fever pitch, and the Lord is stretching me once again.

First, He’s blessed me with the opportunity to take the reins as the youth worship leader at Global Family Fellowship, a small church in Dunedin. Apparently, they’ve been looking for a guitarist and singer for a while. My friend Paul’s mother thought to ask me and got my phone number, and I waited for the call. About a week later, the call came. I met with the worship leader at the church and we hit it off well from the start. We still have to get everything sorted out with our equipment, but I know the Lord’s hand is going to be on whatever we do. It’s amazing how God works, and lately, every time I’ve seen Him working, everything happened so fast and left my head spinning. I’m still getting used to it, but I feel this is where the Lord wants me for now. Since we practice on Tuesday nights, I probably won’t be able to go back to the college group at Feathersound for a while. I’m still trying to see exactly why the Lord seems to be pulling me away from that, but I know that His will is sovereign and He knows exactly what’s best for all of us.

Next, it’s been almost seven months since my father passed away. It’s such a strange feeling. Up until now, it’s felt like he’s been gone on a long vacation. Now, however, it’s really beginning to sink in that he is never coming back. I have an urn and a flag to prove it. My mind has been occupied with other things, so I’ve been blessed in that respect. It’s harder on my mom than me, I think, because she was married to him for 32 years, but the same feeling that’s inside her, the feeling that a part of her is missing, is inside me too. It feels like a chunk of my heart was ripped out and then that salt was poured into the wound. It’s true that I’m not one who typically cries much, but it still hurts to see his photo around my house or to hear his voice on a tape or on the message box of my phone. Yes, there were some tough times, but every family has those. Now that he’s gone, it’s become increasingly clear to me that I didn’t spend as much time as I should have with him. Even when he was dying in the hospital, I didn’t like going to visit him. Maybe I thought it was boring, or maybe I didn’t want to think of the possibility of him actually dying, but now after the fact, I wish I’d been there as much as mom was. I loved him very much, but every hospital visit wore me out physically and mentally. It doesn’t seem right, but I know God is sovereign and has a purpose and plan to give us a hope and future. I don’t blame God, I’m not mad at God, I’m not bitter at all, I just wish I’d been a better steward of the time given me, and I miss my father terribly.

I would ask for your prayers during this time of change. I trust the Lord and know He’s got the best in store for me, I just want to be sure to follow His leading and trust in His love to carry me through. If any of you ever need to talk about anything or want advice on something, my ears are open and I’ll try to help in any way I can. This was my venting session, now it’s your turn. Thanks for reading and God bless!

– Brian

2 responses

  1. tom bailey

    awesome to get to know you better brian. take it easy brother,

    June 8, 2008 at 23:02

  2. eowynfair

    I agree with Tom… And I’m so very glad that you and your mother did start coming to Global…we all are. :)

    April 26, 2009 at 20:52

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