The deep inner workings of a beggar's mind

Maelstrom

WHAT’S THE MATTER WITH ME?

Why can’t I seem to devote myself to my Redeemer, my Savior, my KING?

Why do I pursue meaningless drivel in place of the Richest of Fare?

Why do I allow the fleeting things of this world to take precedence over those things which shall remain for all of eternity?

What kind of legacy have I been building?

Am I so concerned with mindless frivolity that I cannot bring myself to chase something that actually brings forth fruit after a measure of loving labor?

Am I so comfortable that I am content to lay aside my cross?

Or will the Light inside finally break through this darkness my eyes have become accustomed to?

Is there, in fact, any Light at all within me?

If there were, it would logically follow that I would desire the pure milk of the Word, but I find that aspect of my life severely lacking.

How can I hope to positively affect the world around me when I keep feeding the agents of darkness who reside in the dark corners of my mind?

How can I hear the Voice calling to me if I shut my ears?

How can I see the wonders of His hand if I shut my eyes?

I feel cold, calloused, incomplete, yet warm, soft, and whole.

How I long for a revival! How I long for a ladder out of this dirty mire of apathy and complacency!! How I long for PURITY in thought, speech, conduct, love, and faith instead of a devilish burning in passion for the darkness in my soul!!!

My words seem meaningless to me. My life is hidden in Your hand, but I feel not Your life within my bones. Oh what a wretched state! To be totally free, yet chained to this present darkness of my own will.

I need something more, something real. I need more than a sermon, a word of knowledge, a prophecy. I need a SOUL-SHAKING, LIFE-THREATINING, OVERWHELMING FIRE!! I need a HOLY FURY! I need an ATOMIC BOMB to go off and set my mind straight. Though I fear what that may mean.

I need new eyes, new hands, a new heart. OH MY GOD, I BEG YOU!! By the infinite mercies falling from Your holy throne, hear my cry!

Will it truly take a holy cataclysm to get me focused back on the Lamb and His righteous Word? Am I truly that far gone? Am I truly so conditioned? Do this, do that, ask for forgiveness, do this again, do that again, feel no remorse, ask forgiveness out of duty. Or out of love? Out of passion? Out of hope?

What will it take to light my soul’s fire again? Why have I grown so cold? Why have I let myself drift so far from the Source? Why do I continue chasing after the wind, even when I’m winded? The answers elude me. Yet I go about my merry business, putting on the mask of devotion when the situation calls for it. Is it truly of such little worth to me?

What is going on inside of me? How can I be content to sit around and waste my life? How can I be a good example if I live a life dependent on lies to keep me safe? Is my inner darkness truly so evil that I must hide it from the world?

Heh…the world already knows what it feels like, and the Lord already knows where my heart lies. What’s the use of keeping the closets closed, their skeletons hidden? Are others so judgmental that they could not see beyond my sins to the heart of me? Can I really trust others with my burdens? Or will my trust be betrayed? WHY CAN’T I SEEM TO BRING MYSELF TO FOLLOW WHAT I SPEAK TO THE MASSES?!? Why do the very Words of Life have such little value to me that I do not even spend two minutes a day with them?

Am I really so lazy? So complacent? So careless?

So cold…so hot.

So barren…so lively.

My life, my dreams, my hopes…my death, my nightmares, my fears.

I’m swirling down the drain with the bathwater…why do I not reach for help?

I’m running into so many walls…why do I not open my eyes?

Why can I not bring myself to feed the Light in my soul?

Is the darkness indeed so preferable?

Is what I’m pursuing truly worthwhile in the end?

Why can I not take up my cross?

My hands tremble…lose their grip.

I sink…deeper…deeper into the abyss…deeper into the darkness.

I’m lost…never lost…found by the Light…held in His hands.

Never alone…Light never lets go.

Thoughts overflow and collide…A maelstrom of emotion, yet no expression thereof.

Hopeless darkness…Never-ending joy

Evil…Good

Hell…Heaven

Mammon…God

Cannot serve two masters…which one do I hate?

I HAVE SO MUCH RELIGION, but so little relationship.

I ASK SO MUCH OF YOU, yet give You nothing in return for Your loyalty.

Why are You so good to us? To me? Even after spitting in Your face?

God IS love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.

God IS justice, anger, wrath, power, righteousness, holiness, light.

How do You balance them all? Justice vs. Mercy? Love vs. Hatred? Joy vs. Grieving? How can You stand to show faithfulness to the faithless? How can You stand to exalt the humble, even if after their exaltation they turn their backs on you? HOW CAN YOU BE SO GOOD? SO JUST? SO FAIR?

So fair…so wonderful

So fair…so pure

So fair…so mighty

So fair…so honest

Please forgive this wretched soul. Please, Abba FATHER, grant me peace in this hour. Please, my King, become my Lord and Ruler. PLEASE HELP ME!! PLEASE GIVE ME A FIRE THAT WILL NOT GO COLD!! PLEASE GIVE ME A DESIRE THAT WILL FIND FULFILLMENT IN NOTHING BUT YOU!! PLEASE GIVE ME A LOVE FOR YOU THAT IS UNFETTERED AND RAW, WILLING TO DO WHATEVER YOU ASK OF ME AND GO WHEREVER YOU WOULD HAVE ME GO!! PLEASE FORGIVE MY COMPLACENCY!! PLEASE FORGIVE MY UNFAITHFULNESS!! You’ve brought me back to the foot of Your throne. PLEASE CLEANSE ME!! PLEASE MAKE ME WHITE AS FRESH SNOW!! PLEASE MAKE ME AS PURE AS GOLD REFINED BY FIRE!! REFINE ME, oh God. REFINE ME, my Lord. REFINE ME, great and mighty KING OF KINGS!!

FATHER, MY HEART BURNS WITH REMORSE!! PLEASE FORGIVE MY CARELESSNESS, MY CHASING AFTER THE WIND!! MY HEART BURNS WITH A LONGING FOR YOU. PLEASE DON’T LET IT BE LOST AMONG MY DREAMS AS I SLEEP TONIGHT. Please don’t let me SETTLE for less than YOU!!! Please don’t let me find contentment in anything but Your Word and Your love. Please make those things that take precedence in my life over You turn my stomach so much that I cannot bear to spend more time with them than I do with You. Please help me despise all that You despise and love all that You love. Please guide me into ALL TRUTH!! Please guide me into the FULLNESS of YOU, oh precious Lord. Please forgive me for grieving You, precious Spirit! Please guide my steps so I may bring honor to You. Please forgive me for shaming Your cross, my Savior. Please guide me into life and life more abundant than any this world can offer. Please purge the darkness in my soul and replace it with Your marvelous light!! Become more important to me than shelter, than food, than water, than air, than LIFE!! Draw me to Your side, draw me to Your throne, from this moment on until I see You face-to-face in eternity.

Amen.

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2 responses

  1. I’ve been feeling like this a lot lately, like I’m just going through the motions, and it makes me sick. But I’m not entirely sure what to do about it. Soemhow I can get up early in the morning to go jogging with my friends, but I can’t seem to get up on my own to worship and draw close to the savior of my soul. :( I want to get sort of an accountability group together over the summer, hopefully…I think that might be a step in the right direction.

    The refining that you ask for…remember that silver is refined only by being heated to the point of becoming liquified…a precious gem (as you are) is polished by being thrown against other rocks…this is something God has been reminding me of lately. (I was actually just about to blog about it…)

    If you ever need a friend to talk to, you know you can trust me. :) I will continue praying for you my friend. ((HUGS))

    May 20, 2009 at 09:05

  2. eowynfair

    I was just thinking earlier…because complacency/laziness is something that I too struggle with at times, and that many fellow Christians often have difficulty with, maybe there’s something we can do to help lift each other up. If you have any ideas I’d love to hear them. :)

    May 23, 2009 at 22:49

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