Maelstrom, pt. 2
I FEEL NOTHING!!
NOTHING AT ALL!!
No joy, no righteous remorse, no life in my bones.
Am I truly one of the chosen or am I just kidding myself?
Even when the Words of Life are read to me, they do not break me, they do not bring tears to my eyes, they do not bring comfort to my soul.
My heart is so…dark.
My mind is consumed with death and sinful thoughts.
My eyes find no sleep at night.
My strength is all but drained.
Am I truly devoted or just looking the part?
Then again, how can one be devoted if one spends no time with what he claims to be devoted to?
Reading, praying, seeking, praising…
Instead of acts of love, they seem like obligations to me.
I’m concerned about this mindset I’ve got…and even more so about the consequences that may lie ahead as a result.
People have always thought of me as the “good Christian.”
Lately, however, I find myself desiring to break that image, not so much through a coherent thought process and outright rebellion, but through what I’m allowing myself to think, do, watch, and say, and it scares me.
What do I do to counter this rising tide of disobedience?
How do I solve this dilemma of the mind, heart, and soul?
Why do I fill my life with wood, hay, and stubble?
When will I once again start building with gold, silver, and precious stones?
How much more abuse can my spirit-man take before he absolutely breaks down and dies from starvation?
Sure, I play guitar in front of the church and get together with friends to sing the same songs, but where did my passion go?
Where did that fire go that caused me to reach out with the gospel to a dying world fearlessly and constantly?
WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO ME?
Why do I find it so hard to devote my time to something I claim to love?
Am I just burned out from all the “church stuff” I do on a regular basis?
Have I become consumed by the darkness once again?
Was I ever truly out of the grip of the darkness?
Will my heart and mind ever find rest again?
I’m lost at sea…afloat with no paddle or engine surrounded by fog and darkness. My eyes are tricked into seeing land. I paddle toward it with all my heart and all the strength in my arms only to find disappointment at the revelation that there was no land there at all. I cannot find my way. I cannot bear this pain any longer. I NEED YOU NOW, MY FATHER! CAN YOU HEAR MY CRIES? Do You really look upon me with that same love that sent You to the cross for Your children?
I need answers. I need a rescue. I need more.