The deep inner workings of a beggar's mind

Maelstrom, pt. 2



No joy, no righteous remorse, no life in my bones.

Am I truly one of the chosen or am I just kidding myself?

Even when the Words of Life are read to me, they do not break me, they do not bring tears to my eyes, they do not bring comfort to my soul.

My heart is so…dark.

My mind is consumed with death and sinful thoughts.

My eyes find no sleep at night.

My strength is all but drained.

Am I truly devoted or just looking the part?

Then again, how can one be devoted if one spends no time with what he claims to be devoted to?

Reading, praying, seeking, praising…

Instead of acts of love, they seem like obligations to me.

I’m concerned about this mindset I’ve got…and even more so about the consequences that may lie ahead as a result.

People have always thought of me as the “good Christian.”

Lately, however, I find myself desiring to break that image, not so much through a coherent thought process and outright rebellion, but through what I’m allowing myself to think, do, watch, and say, and it scares me.

What do I do to counter this rising tide of disobedience?

How do I solve this dilemma of the mind, heart, and soul?

Why do I fill my life with wood, hay, and stubble?

When will I once again start building with gold, silver, and precious stones?

How much more abuse can my spirit-man take before he absolutely breaks down and dies from starvation?

Sure, I play guitar in front of the church and get together with friends to sing the same songs, but where did my passion go?

Where did that fire go that caused me to reach out with the gospel to a dying world fearlessly and constantly?


Why do I find it so hard to devote my time to something I claim to love?

Am I just burned out from all the “church stuff” I do on a regular basis?

Have I become consumed by the darkness once again?

Was I ever truly out of the grip of the darkness?

Will my heart and mind ever find rest again?

I’m lost at sea…afloat with no paddle or engine surrounded by fog and darkness. My eyes are tricked into seeing land. I paddle toward it with all my heart and all the strength in my arms only to find disappointment at the revelation that there was no land there at all. I cannot find my way. I cannot bear this pain any longer. I NEED YOU NOW, MY FATHER! CAN YOU HEAR MY CRIES? Do You really look upon me with that same love that sent You to the cross for Your children?

I need answers. I need a rescue. I need more.

One response

  1. eowynfair

    I’ve found myself feeling similar ways lately…wondering how much everything meant to me to begin with; whether I was ever truly free from the darkness, or if now the darkness is beginning to take hold. It is difficult sometimes to enter into worship…my mind often wanders, but you have a desire to serve, worship, and obey God…and that is greatly evident in your life. :)

    I also understand what you mean by not wanting to be seen as just the “good Christian.” No one is perfect, and I know that I long to have someone know me for who I am…mistakes and all (and I’ve made some, let me tell you…) It’s irritating too, to be seen as the good Christian, who never gets bothered by anything. *sigh* When all the while you want to tell someone of your frustrations, but don’t know who you can trust. And even letting the little sins slip in, the things we think, watch and say…one of the things I like about you is that you help keep me accountable in that, you’ve caught me a few times when I’ve said something off. And I appreciate that. It’s like the foxes that ruin the vineyards, the little sins that sneak into our lives and destroy our fruit. *shakes head*

    And wow…I’ve written an essay…lol. These might be good topics of discussion for the future. Just know that I understand how you’re feeling, and if there’s anything I can do, let me know. It’s great to be able to mutual encourage each other. (And you do encourage me.) ((HUGS)) God bless! i will be praying for you, my friend.

    May 31, 2009 at 02:17

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