The deep inner workings of a beggar's mind


Once again, the past comes back to haunt me, this time in a place I thought was safe. I thought I could avoid thinking about it by distracting myself with other things (and other people), but to no avail. Here it is, in black and white writing, in a little box on my screen. “It’ll be easy. Just leave them a nice little note and cut them off, and you’ll never hear from them again. As long as they are distracted with their own life, they’ll leave you alone.” Apparently, I was a lot stupider than I thought. Why did I treat them that way? I felt I needed to. Self-preservation is a bitch sometimes (excuse the language). Then again, didn’t they deserve it? After all, they’ve slandered me and destroyed my reputation with some people. I feel I’ve been reduced to a steaming hot pile of scrap with a furnace underneath. Do I try to mend what’s broken? Do I continue ignoring it? What on earth am I supposed to do? I’m already expecting a lot of questions from this post, but whatever, I’ll deal with them as they come. Lord, I wish you’d tell me what You’re doing through this. It’d be so much easier than trying to figure it out on my own.

2 responses

  1. Sara

    I don’t know if this is even relevant but I know, for myself, I’ve just broken off a friendship I’ve had my entire life because every time she saw me she wanted something. She was a habitual liar and she used me a lot. I think a huge part of why I had to cut the relationship off was 1) I let the relationship grow to a point that was unhealthy as she was not Christian and there were moments in our friendship were she was too close to me and the things I was going through (thereby having a lot of influence on the things I did) and 2) I couldn’t handle the amount of which she used me and lied to me without thinking bad things about her every time I saw her or thought about her. It got harder and harder for me to love her despite everything she had done. I am still a little bitter but I am praying that God would take it away and help me to forgive her because, let’s be honest, I’ve done worse to God than she has to me and God forgave me and asks that I love other people the same way. That doesn’t mean you let them do whatever they want. If you are sinning trying to keep the relationship up then it is in the best interests of everyone (in the long run) that you stop the relationship. Again I have no idea if that helped. But I will be praying for you and over the situation, ok? :-)

    August 16, 2011 at 01:56

    • Thanks for the response and the prayers. In the particular relationship this post is about, everything was wrong. We started out sinning, and it just got worse from there. Both of us claimed to love the Lord and follow Him, but it seemed that when we got together, the tendency to fall off the deep end, so to speak, was extremely high. I am partly to blame because I allowed the relationship to continue even though I knew it was harmful, but we were so much alike that I thought we’d be able to help each other. However, we only ended up bringing each other down. I eventually cut it off one day because I saw that I had put myself in a vulnerable spot and knew that they would keep coming up if we continued to be friends. If nothing else, your comment helps confirm that it was the right decision to make. I tried to be as kind as possible, but I know it hurt them. Recently, they’ve started talking to me again on facebook and I just can’t allow myself to go down that path again. Please continue to pray for wisdom and grace and the ability to let go of the bitterness that I allowed to grow in my heart as I will be praying for you.

      August 16, 2011 at 02:45

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