The deep inner workings of a beggar's mind


Why do I waste so much time on those things that are fading away? I spend hours, barring sleep even, playing video games, yet I barely ever acknowledge God’s constant presence here when I’m alone. I’ll spend hours satisfying the base lusts that my heart conjures up, yet I can’t be bothered to open the Word of God half the time. Why am I so selfish?

Just recently, one of my facebook friends had several life-shaking experiences happen in rapid succession, and as I was praying for him, I realize just how much I focus on things that don’t matter. My heart breaks for the broken, but half the time I don’t see them because I barely ever look beyond my computer screen. I hurt along with the hurting, yet I know more about the intricacies of fantasy worlds than I do about my neighbors. I have an empathetic heart, but I doubt many would be able to tell if they looked at my hum-drum day-to-day living. Why do I find it so difficult to get outside the walls of my apartment? Sure, I don’t have a car at the moment, but that’s a very poor excuse.

I like to think I’m an approachable person, but I can’t be approached if I’m never seen. Sure, the congregation at my church sees me as I stand up on the platform and scream into a microphone, but how often do they see me outside of that context? The youth group sees me on Wednesday nights, but that’s the ONLY time during the week they see me. If I plan on making a difference, if I plan on speaking life into their lives, I need to spend more time with them. Even just saying “hey” every now and again on facebook could be a good start. After all, I’ve got over 900 “friends.” The sad reality, however, is that I only really have any sort of intimacy with a handful of them. I could certainly be doing more in that regard, but I just don’t want that to become the accepted limit of my interaction with others.

My music is another issue entirely. God has put the gift of music in me for more than just my benefit. He’s given me a certain knowledge of chords, harmonies, and lyrics that far too often goes unused. This is not to say that I’m any sort of musician to be renowned for my eloquence, nor do I imply that I’m spinning gold with my songs or poetry. As far as most art is concerned, it’s probably pretty close to garbage. That doesn’t matter, though.

It’s not about becoming famous. It’s not about signing a multi-million dollar record deal and selling out shows all over the world. It’s not even entirely about having fun. It’s about praising the Lord. It’s about making His gospel known. It’s about furthering His kingdom in this world.  It’s about edifying the Body of Christ and encouraging them to pursue a deeper relationship with their King, a deeper understanding of His Word, and a greater heart for the lost.

Forgive me for my unfaithfulness, Lord! You’ve spoken many words to me, and I’ve only shared a few. Please give me the strength to pursue You and share You with others. Please give me the drive to put away the distractions and live my life for You. You are the only thing worth pursuing. You are the only Person worth praising. To You be the glory forever.

Looking back over my life, it’s scary to see how long I’ve been stagnant. It’s terrible to see how far I’ve come without moving anywhere. It’s dishonorable. It’s disdainful, even. Yet, even after posting this, I’ll probably have a tendency to continue skating forward as if I’d never written anything. God, give me the strength I need to change that. Give me the strength to start pursuing You more passionately, to start serving You more wholeheartedly, and to start praising You more loudly.


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