The deep inner workings of a beggar's mind


It’s late. I’m tired. But not tired enough to sleep.

Early start tomorrow, and I’m not sleepy. Why does it ALWAYS happen when I have to get up early? It’s amazing.

Normally, I’d be visiting a few websites and watching a few videos, but tonight I don’t feel like it.

If not videos, I’d be looking up pictures. Pictures are all well and good, and some are quite beautiful. But each shot only occupies a few minutes at most.

Could be reading, but I’m not sure I’m in the reading mood.

So, in the interest of being productive, I thought I’d do something constructive and write a blog.

Not a fancy one, but just something to keep me distracted for long enough until I start dreaming.

Why do I need distractions? ‘Cuz I can’t trust my heart. It leads me into all sorts of trouble.

Besides, I need to write more on here anyway. Feel like I’m wasting all this space if I don’t put out a blog every so often. Also, it’s a pretty good outlet for my thoughts. Huzzah for an electronic journal!

I don’t really care if anyone reads these things. But for those that do, I hope I’m able to help in at least some small way.

Because I DO care about people. Sometimes, it almost feels like I care too much. I drive myself crazy trying to fix everyone’s problems and make everyone feel better, but it’s not always the best thing to obsess over. Yes, I said “obsess.”

Not that I obsess over any one particular person. No, I haven’t done that in a while, and it didn’t turn out all that well.

No, I obsess over being the salve on people’s wounds. I obsess over being people’s crying shoulder. I obsess so much over others’ needs that I sometimes neglect my own.

It’s crazy. But it’s just the type of person I am.

I’d give the shirt off my back and every cent in my wallet to someone to help them out. And what do I get for it? Nothing. Well, not usually.

But, I don’t ask for anything in return. I don’t want anything in return. I’m happier when I’m helping others than I am when I help myself or when others help me. Sometimes, they take advantage of my kindness, but I bounce back and offer to help them again. Does that make me sick? Insane?

People come and people go, but I don’t seem to be moving much.

Am I letting life pass me by? Am I just being lazy?

Am I using my talents and abilities to their fullest extent, or am I wasting my potential?

I don’t know. I don’t really know anything. I don’t have a plan. I don’t have a goal.

As a result, I find myself wasting my days away just sitting in my little bubble.

And I’m content. At least, for the first few hours.

After that, I start looking for other “distractions.” I play another video game. I listen to another song. I look up another article.

Yet, I never seem to look where all the answers lie. I never seem to approach the streams of living water.

I say I care about Him. But my actions don’t show it.

I say I love Him. Mostly to everyone else. Rarely do I ever say it to His face.

I say I want His destiny for my life. Yet, I don’t seek it. I don’t pursue Him.

I just go to the next activity.

I just play the next song in church.

I just lead the next lesson in youth group.

I just….float. Float by.

I guess I just expect things to work out without taking any sort of definitive action.

Sometimes, it’s enough. Most of the time, I miss the whole point of a certain event.

I can’t keep living this way. I have to do something.

Maybe not something earth-shatteringly (Is that even a word?) huge, but at least a small something to get me moving in the right direction.

What will it look like? God knows.

I’ve just gotta move on.

Ah, but I think I’ve ranted long enough. Maybe I’ll be able to get some rest now.



If You’ll have me, You can use me however you want.


One response

  1. I feel that way sometimes too; listless and without a specific purpose (unless this job offer pans out). And I appreciate the sentiment of wondering whether you care too much. It is nice to relax at times, but when you get to a point of merely existing and floating through the void, things get to be disconcerting. Maybe it’s not a matter of doing something, but a matter of doing something *different*. Just a thought.

    Hope all is well with you otherwise. I too need to get started on my blog again. I have a music blog too, for teachers, but I have barely written anything in it. :/

    Be blessed!


    July 16, 2012 at 15:40

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