The deep inner workings of a beggar's mind

I Am Not the Same

IS MY VISION REALLY THAT SMALL?! I’ve been given so much, yet I still get hung up on the small things. “Surely God cannot use me. I’m not good enough…” I MUST look beyond my failures. I MUST look to Christ alone. I MUST get past this complex I’ve got before I can be as effective for the Kingdom as God desires me to be. And you know what? I feel like I can finally do it.

Something broke tonight. It wasn’t glorious. It wasn’t a voice from heaven or a sign in the sky or writing on a wall. It was the remembrance of who I am. I’m not talking about my personal identity. I’m talking about my identity in Christ. Just the words “I am a co-heir with Christ.” And I wasn’t even cognitively trying to remember it. The Spirit brought it to my mind. And it wasn’t in the midst of some spiritual high. It was immediately after I fell again. God has a strange (but perfect) sense of timing sometimes.

I’m glad He said it when He did, though. I wasn’t in a “spiritual mood.” I wasn’t praying some super religious prayer for forgiveness. I wasn’t listening to worship music or reading the Bible. I was sitting in the bathroom of all places. I was in just about the most undignified place possible, and it was there that God decided to speak to me. Sometimes, that’s His FAVORITE place to speak to us.

And BOY, did He speak. Not a lot. But it was enough. He even used my own voice just to show off.

“Though I may stumble and fall, I can stand tall knowing You’ve paid my ransom and given back the royalty my sin stole from me. I’m a co-heir.”

There is SO much theological talk that could be unpacked from that simple phrase, but this is not the time for it. This is story time! I can’t even explain it. I wasn’t particularly looking for a touch from God, but just out of NOWHERE, BAM!! faith started to rise up in my spirit. All of the accusing voices were silenced. All of the regret was destroyed. I just felt God rush in and love on me. He called me His child. Then I did a bit of spring cleaning.


This week has just been amazing. My church is hosting a YWAM (Youth With A Mission for those who don’t know) team and God has just been moving in amazing ways through them, not just in the lives of all they meet at the RNC, but in my life as well. One of the staff even got a vision for me (If you’re reading this right now, and you know who you are, I just want to say thanks for being obedient to the prompting of the Lord, because I feel like what you said is spot-on).

He told me that he saw a dog gnawing on a bone that had long been licked clean, feverishly trying to get more meat off it, and he felt like God was telling him that was representative of me. That I’ve been clinging so long and hard to past encounters with God that I’m struggling to move on. He also said that God has “more meat” for me elsewhere. And you know what? He’s right.

I’ve grown stale in these past few years. Yes, I love the Lord, and yes, I’ve been ministering in my church as the music director for about four or five years now. But, I’ve also been slacking in my relationship. I’ve been letting certain temptations and sinful habits to create a sort of imaginary wall between me and my Father. I’ve been so concerned with other things that God got gradually pushed to the back burner, and it’s in the midst of that vacuum that I’ve been trying to pour out my ministry from. Talk about vain repetitions. Yet, despite that, God STILL chooses to use me to bless people. It just blows my mind.

This staff member then went on to tell me that God has great things planned for me and wants to use me in mighty ways. And I know we hear that all the time in the church, but this time it seemed…different. Then, yesterday, and I don’t know if this is a confirmation from God or something else, the speaker basically stopped in the middle of his message to take a detour and tell us, in essence, that he felt that God was calling some of us to “stand before princes” and be an instrument of (godly) change, but first, we had to lose that sense of “Oh, I could never do great things for God…I’m not good enough…I’m not spiritual enough…” Sound familiar?

So now, here I sit again, as I have so many times before, wondering what God has for me, and once again reassured of the fact that God hasn’t forgotten me or forsaken me like I sometimes feel He has out of the depths of my insecurities. I’m not pursuing fame or popularity. I’m not looking for some grand exaltation of my spirituality or personal holiness. I’m not dependent on accolades. I’m just looking to serve the Lord in any way possible. I’m looking to go wherever He would lead and bring about transformation through His power.

What does that look like ultimately? I have NO idea. All I know is that I need to get on my face before Him and stop treating Him like a hobby or a genie in a lamp. All I know is that I need to get to KNOW Him and the sound of His voice. All I know is that I must make Him the all-consuming passion He desires to be in my life. Lord, give me the strength to do it.


“Adopted, healed, and lifted.
Forgiven, found, and rescued.

I am not the same, I’m a new creation!
I am not the same anymore!
I am not ashamed! I will not be shaken!
I am not the same anymore!

You have overcome!
It is finished, it is done!
Now, my heart is finally free!
Every chain undone
By the power of the Son,
Risen Savior, reigning King!”


“Our hearts they cry:
Be glorified!
Be lifted high above all names!
For You, our King,
With everything,
We will shout forth Your praise!”


One response

  1. Eowyn Fair

    What an encouraging post. I think that we all need to remember those things; we need to stop gnawing on that bone and move forward to doing what God has called us to do. If we’re not moving forward, however slowly, we are almost certainly moving backward. I will be praying for you as you step into the roles that God will ask you to fill. :)

    August 30, 2012 at 15:59

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